Nothing is so good it lasts eternally.
Perfect situations must go wrong;
But this has never yet prevented me
From hoping for too much for far too long.
Looking back, I could have played it differently,
Won a few more moments, who can tell?
-Song from the Musical "Chess"

I won't be online for a while. I don't even know how long a while is. I've come to realize my complete uselessness of a friend. How badly I hurt the people I care about. How badly I get hurt when I shouldn't. People are better without me in their lives. I don't offer them anything they can't get elsewhere... there's nothing unique or special about me. I spent all last night crying, till about 8 this morning when I passed out from exhaustion. I've spent most of today crying except for my appointment where I pretended everything was okay because he wouldn't have really listened to the fact it wasn't.

I don't deserve the friends I've had. But I've been really lucky to have them. Now, they deserve not to have to mess with me. I don't know where my life will go from here. I feel so very lost and alone. I hope...somewhere and somehow.. one day this thing that I am... will be one who is worth their worry and their care that they have given me. They have given so much. I don't want to squander that. I want to deserve it. I'm scared that I never will. I don't even know how to explain everything in my heart right now, except to say it's the darkest I've felt in a long while. Because I've been torn apart by family before..but screwing up my friendships is worse.... I've lost friends before. Ones who don't care anymore if I'm alive or dead. Can't be bothered to even notice. -Wouldn't- know if I died until perhaps months later or hearing it from someone else in a mumble. But I have friends I talk to every day too. Who have given so much for me. Like Kait. I've had friends who are always there for my rants, like Desi. And I've messed things up so badly that even if they forgive me, I don't know if I can forgive myself. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, even if no one ever sees this. I'm trying to put my thoughts into words and I can't. So I leave it with the quote below.

“Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.”-Hermann Hesse

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov'd — I lov'd alone —
~Edgar Allen Poe, first part of "Alone"



Birthday is tomorrow. I feel like I'm getting old! It's a bit frustrating to be turning 26 and not feel like I've done -anything- with my life yet.

eikonatrotos sent me a lovely pendant from Sihaya Designs, which I got earlier this week. I adore it, which was a safe call because I adore most of Sihaya's work. Some of it isn't particularly my -style- but I don't dislike it, and she does so many colors or varieties that there's always at least four or five pieces I'm lusting over in her shop. I'm looking forward to her Halloween update because I'm very curious to see the works she said were inspired by Edgar Allen Poe. Some pieces I've gotten before of hers:
Persephone Rising
Midnight Bloom earring wardrobe
Garnet/bronze Heraldry Ribbon choker
Elven Tears Petite Pendant (aqua/blue labradorite) which I unrepentantedly call the "Kelpie" necklace. It reminds me of the lochs in Scotland I saw, with the fog of gray over the stone, and people in the game know the additional reason why. :)

eikonatrotos sent me a different variation of the elven tear pendant, this time with purple labradorite and different metal working. Which I was eyeing and telling myself I couldn't justify it. She justified it for me. :D I'm starting to get quite the earring and necklace collection going again, which is nice since I haven't had that since I first went to college. I've never actually had an earring collection, but now I'm part of Sihaya's earring of the month club and so have plenty that I normally wouldn't get but I've loved having to go with different outfits. Since I can get mostly sterling silver, I don't have to worry about them causing my ears to react badly either. And wow. This post has turned into an advert for Sihaya Designs. Sorry! *laughs* She really is just that good though. *looks sheepish*

Laptop's in the shop right now, which is so frustrating, especially since it took them a WEEK to figure out the battery just needed replacing. Grr. But it has made me actually get on the desktop Michael built for me. I just wish I had the money to get a new monitor. The color is really out of whack on this one and can't be fixed.

I also have a twitter now.. well, I've had one, but oh look, it's right here: My Twitter. I don't post on it much, but it does, in fact, exist.

Now I'm off to finish off Mass Effect 2 for the second time. Have decided Thane is utterly sexy, with his whole spiritual and gentle assassin demeanor. Plus his nicknames for Shepherd. <3 If they kill him in ME3, I will NOT be a happy gamer. My laptop currently has my save for my mid-awakening's mage I started up so I could import a mage play to DA2. So in boredom, I did Mass Effect 1 and 2 on the desktop to have an alternative save for them too. Even though, I'm kinda ridiculous because I can't ever bring myself to be 'evil' and majorly change my decisions, so they're practically the same saves except love interest. But the fact I -could- completely change my save and have different things play out in ME3 is still a major draw and why I love Bioware.

Oh! And rimsky_zade sent me purple roses for my birthday that got here yesterday. Not so many that I'd yell at him for wasting money, but it's been a long time since I've gotten flowers and purple roses are my favorite. They're incredibly beautiful. :)

"The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it." ~Jules Renard, "Diary," February 1895

Why is it the idea of actually starting to write a book somehow so utterly and entirely terrifying? Right now... I know the setting. I know the characters. I know the -world- And I can't write it. Perhaps it is that I do not have the perfect first line. Where is my "Call me Ishmael"? I know there is a story... I know there is a book. I know it exists within me as I've known it since I was five years old. The real world has never been vivid to me. It has never existed as tangible to me... it is just another story. A horribly written, obnoxious story that I cannot seem to escape from... but it's just a story. It feels like the characters within me, the dreaming, the world they live in... is the secret reality of it all. So why can I not convey it? Do I still have the words I need? Or is it some vain dream that will slowly draw the life from me and keep me locked within this cage?

So after being nervous for two days, the first day of which was a mix of "Dear god, did I really post that to the community and did I admit I have had a sexually and mentally abusive past to strangers?" and "Why the heck should I be ashamed? I'm doing this to help other women and it's not my fault there was abuse in my past. This is something I can step forward proudly on and try to organize." and just plain confusion over where and how best to direct people, there now exists this:
http://community.livejournal.com/legendofseeker/599610.html
If you're not a legend of the seeker fan and you still want to donate, please do add the tribute card for us. I'm sure many fans just don't have the finances to do it, or they didn't happen to see the posts or they aren't even aware the show is lingering on the brink of oblivion (because there has been no STUDIO press release, just certain places saying it is cancelled and certain people within the studio saying so, but nothing clean and public.) So you're not 'tricking' the studio by donating in someone else's place, and the cause is certainly worthy.

And I just want to give a special thanks to my wonderful boyfriend who posted the information on the two facebook groups (I could have, but I felt a bit overwhelmed handling the forums and the livejournal post). He continues to treasure me despite how 'broken' I feel so often and has been completely supportive in every endeavor I take. I don't say it as much as I should, but thank you for being you and inspiring me to strive to feel 'unbroken'.

First of all, for all you Legend of the Seeker fans, it's in danger of not getting renewed (note, it is NOT officially cancelled). Saveourseeker.com has various ways to help the fandom. I donated money myself for it, and I really love the series. If you haven't watched it- why not?! The two part season finale of season two is coming up... catch up! It's completely worth it. If you're a fan of the Sword of Truth, well, the fandom was just given support by The Author himself,and he is supporting Save our Seeker. So. Do what you can!
In other news... I now have all my friends saying that I look like Cara or that Cara is a blonde me. (She's older than me so it'd probably be that I look like her, not the other way around.) What's even more freaky is I think she's freaking gorgeous. But I agree that she and I do look like we are, at the least, siblings. Something my mother, who has no interest in the show, agrees with... and my ACTUAL sister agrees that Cara and I look more alike than she and I do. O.o I'm having hard resigning myself to Cara=Gorgeous and I=look like Cara. Because there's totally no IF I look like Cara and Cara=Gorgeous then I=Gorgeous. Because. Pfft. Yeah right. But it's still somewhat bizarre to see her smirk or smile in a certain way and see my own facial reactions as well. I've spent enough time on stage I do know what I look like in reaction to things when acting, and...yeah... some creepy resemblance there. She has way more gorgeous eyes than I do. Though she tempts me to cut my hair as short as hers to see if I actually look good with it. (Am convincing the boyfriend to make me Legend of the Seeker icons since I still don't have a version of photoshop on this laptop. Which makes me sad cuz...miss being artistic.)

I haven't posted in a while.. haven't written a poem in a while. But this one was prompted by my increasing frustration so it was written last night.
( Read more... )

Yes, I'm a sucker for wow-related promotions. Plus they have all the videos for all the openings to the game, which is really fun to go back and watch and see how even the CG has progressed but also the storylines. I still love the image in the first one of the night elf in the forest running and suddenly turning into a panther. It's totally "DRUID!"

So, Oneiroelpida, your LiveJournal reveals...

You are... 0% unique, 11% peculiar, 11% interesting, 67% normal and 11% herdlike (partly because you, like everyone else, enjoy anime). When it comes to friends you are lonely. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are wary of trusting strangers. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is simplistic.

Your overall weirdness is: 5

(The average level of weirdness is: 29.
You are weirder than 4% of other LJers.)

Find out what your weirdness level is!

It occurs to me that one of the great flaws of something like this is it cannot apply to me in terms of my writing style. Because I post poems, and songs, that I did not write but are what I'm contemplating at the time. Thusly, any program who tried to identify my writing style on livejournal as masculine, feminine, intellectual, simple, cannot apply. It'd be like trying to judge a quilt where everyone donated one piece. It is....vastly wrong on me being normal, unfortunately. If I was 'normal', my mental capabilities would not have been so easily eschewed from my normal day living- unless, of course, the makers want to imply that normal people all should go to psychiatrists and therapists, in which case I heartily agree and would find horribly amusing. In a perverse train-wreck way. All those people who pride themselves on being happy finding out that their happiness is a shallow, empty vessel on top of a much larger tilted vase of problems that all cascade into the fountain of their personality. And how much their 'happiness' has come at the cost of their fellow human being, how much they have ignored or tried to laugh off, the problems someone is going through. How much, in particular, they have attempted to just walk away from the people who have been there, trapped under beams that hold them from moving away in the proverbial fires of life. Because, really, as long as -they- could get away, that's what matters, isn't it?

But I cannot decide if I consider this the worse. They are those who walk away from Omelas. But what of those who justifty why that person should be trapped, or worse, give oh-so-quaint advice on how they should just -remove- the beam off of them and then they could get out of the fire. Only a few people are firefighters in this world. Those who risk getting hurt to try to help those who are hurt. To the rest, those under the beams, are forgotten or only occasionally remembered when it suits purposes.

So in that single line of a meme, "When it comes to friends you are lonely", I am reduced to crying. Because it is so simple. And so simply true. I bury myself in WoW and AOH because I can have a pretense of friends there. A few very real solid ones are there, mind, and they help me to continue trying to get out of the fire. I don't know that I ever will.